It’s The Most Wonderful Christmas Music Ranking Of The Year

There’s something both romantic and nostalgic about Christmas music. Memories of Christmas lights illuminating the city as the sun sets around 4 in afternoon. The outside so still and silent you could mistake it for a painting. Drinking just to feel some kind of warmth in your life. Etcetera. It really is one of the most wonderful times of the year. To celebrate, I listened to 39 of my favorite Christmas songs and ranked the Top Ten. Merry Christmas all.

Note: Unless otherwise stated, assume all songs sung by Christmas Angel Michael Bublé.

First, in no particular order, the non-Top 10:

White Christmas

Racist

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

There’s no reason to dislike this song. As explained by Wikipedia, “A family matriarch gets drunk from drinking too much eggnog and, having forgotten to take her medicine and despite warnings from her family, staggers outside into a snowstorm.”

Already perfect.

Then she gets run over by a reindeer and “the second and third verses describe the next day’s Christmas gathering: ‘all the family’s dressed in black’ while the widower acts as if nothing’s happened, drinks beer, watches football and plays ‘cards with cousin Mel’.” These things happen, you move on. I get it.

Finally, “The song closes with a warning that Santa, ‘a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves’, is unfit to carry a driver’s license, and that the listener should beware.” True. Santa Claus is not a good role model.

Here Comes Santa Claus

I googled Santa Claus Lane. It’s in California and that’s bullshit.

Frosty the Snowman

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to build a legitimate snowman? First, you need carrots, coal (or other suitable buttons/eyes), and a top hat. Then, you need a ton of snow, most likely char black from car exhaust or filled with surprise dogshit landmines. It’s near impossible to roll the snow into 3 perfect spheres, so you end up with a mutant snow creature begging for death with its empty coal black eyes. Then it doesn’t even come to life when you put the top hat on. 

I’ll Be Home For Christmas

This song was originally written from the point of view of an overseas soldier during WWII, writing a letter to his family. Which is incredibly sad and makes “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams” all the more poignant.         

I could certainly picture a reality where I can’t make it home for Christmas, so I’m in my room drinking cheap beer, wistfully staring out the window as the song plays on repeat. Not quite as courageous as being at war, but different times and all that.

Santa Baby

I don’t know what’s going on here. It makes me uncomfortable. Please stop trying to have sex with Santa.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Yes, I know Santa is actually the child’s father dressed as Santa, but there are some pretty serious psychological ramifications from the child’s point of view.

“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.” My mom is cheating on my dad with Santa. Are my parents going to get a divorce? I thought Santa was supposed to be good. He knows my mom is married. Is this what you do Santa? You pretend like you’re this jolly, altruistic saint who wants to make children happy, just so you can sneak into our houses and have sex with our moms?

“Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus.” Oh great, now she’s giving him a handjob.

“Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!” Already onto denial. Next up a childhood of trust issues and certain drug and alcohol abuse.

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) – John Lennon

“So this is Christmas and what have you done?” John Lennon encouraging the already depressed to kill themselves. John Lennon is a dick.

Home Alone Theme (Somewhere In My Memory) – John Williams

C’mon, when the symphony kicks in at the moment Kevin’s mom comes home to be reunited with him on Christmas? No one’s heart is that hardened.

Christmas Don’t Be Late (The Chipmunk Song)

People don’t take this song as seriously as they should.

Christmas Time is Here – Charlie Brown

Does Charlie Brown even want to live? If you could take the essence of depression and put it into song, that song would be half as depressing as this. 

Let It Snow

“Oh the weather outside is frightful.” Let me translate. It’s like 10 degrees outside and that suuuucks.

No matter how old you are, it’s still a beautiful moment the first time snow blankets your town. The way light reflects against every flake, inspiring warm feelings and happy thoughts. Sitting inside sipping on a warm drink, comfortably reflecting on the moments of a year gone by. Then Christmas is over and you hate everything about it. The cold. The gray mush that floods your town the warmer it gets. The ice you slip on once a week. Shoveling the goddamn fucking driveway with the snow patches half fucking frozen to the goddamn earth. Beautiful. 

Winter Wonderland

Everything sucks about winter, but listening to this song makes the cold, snowy, gray wasteland actually seem really romantic and fun. When I listen to this song it makes me want to be there. I want it to be really cold and sit by the fire. It sounds like so much fun. False advertising is what it is.

Sleigh Ride – The Ronettes 

I love the uptempo 1960s style. That’s all.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

OH MY GOD IT’S ABOUT RAPE. Stop. No it’s not.

Wizards in Winter/Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)

Trans-Siberian Orchestra, you’re okay. Even though it’s partially your fault for the outbreak of viral videos, I won’t hold it against you too much. The songs ARE pretty cool.   

Jingle Bell Rock

The original remix.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Remember kids, being different is okay as long as you’re useful. 

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)

Why does a song about chestnuts get to be called The Christmas song? It should be about all the presents Santa didn’t get me and the 25 reasons that Santa might not exist.

Frozen soundtrack

Eh, winter, snow, a talking snowman. It counts.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

“And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.” Christmas break hasn’t even started and Mom and Dad already want you out of the house. This is entirely accurate.

You’re A Mean One Mr Grinch

From Wikipedia, “He scorns the Christmas season and the boisterous festivities customarily celebrated during the holiday; apparently irritated by the happiness of others and deriving pleasure from spoiling other people’s merriment.” So like, 75% of the world?

Silent Night/The First Noel/Joy to the world/O Come All Ye Faithful/Hark, the Herald Angels Sing

Church used to bore the hell out of me. Which means it worked! Get it? Whatever. But on Christmas, hey, free concert!

The 12 Days of Christmas

Consider the psychopath behind this song.  The first three gifts. Partridge, turtle doves, french hens. Stop sending me birds. Who’s going to take care of them? I can’t afford that. I’m barely getting by myself. Now I’m going to have to mercy kill the first three gifts you gave me to spare them from slowly starving to death.

Are we done with birds now? Nope, 4 calling birds. Fuck you. Next, 5 gold rings. Finally something I can sell off to pay rent. 6 geese-a-laying. More birds with even more birds plopping out of their bird vaginas. 7 swans-a-swimming. I don’t have a pond on my property. Where were you expecting the swans to go? 7 more birds to the bird graveyard.

8 maids-a-milking. Why would you get me indentured servants? I have to believe that’s legally dubious at best. 9 ladies dancing. Hookers. Very romantic. 10 Lords-a-leaping. What? 11 pipers piping. 12 drummers drumming. So you got me a human trafficking ring then. Fantastic. Now I suppose I need to clothe and feed them too? At least I know where to feed them.

Every year they do a cost analysis of what “The 12 Days of Christmas” would really cost. I count 50 human slaves and 23 birds. This year it cost $27,673.21. I can’t imagine that’s accurate.

Onto the Top Ten.

10) Last Christmas – Wham

I don’t care. It’s in the Top Ten and there’s no changing it now.

9) Have a Holly Jolly Christmas – Burl Ives

Sounds like Santa himself is singing to you.

8) Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano

This song is kind of like Dora the Explorer. Here’s the English phrase, now here’s the Spanish phrase. Can you sing it with me? Hell yeah I can Dora! 

7) Rocking Around the Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee

Sometimes a song is just good and if you disagree you’re a bad person.

6) Underneath the Tree – Kelly Clarkson

A new Christmas classic. That’s all. It really is.

5) Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about Michael Bublé. His voice is like two little pillows for your ears, treating them to a magic dream ride through cloudbunny land. I just want him to serenade me constantly. He could be serenading about how he’s going to cut me from limb to limb and eat my body, and I’d still stare back starry-eyed.

4) It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – Andy Williams

I wouldn’t even mind. It would actually be kind of nice. Romantic even. I mean we all have to die sometime. Why not go out on your own terms?

3) Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

Look, all I’m saying is just think about it. There are worse ways to go out. Anyway, this song is your typical upbeat happy Christmas song that’s actually kind of depressing. Just like Christmas itself! The perfect song! The song paraphrased: “Christmas is here, but it’s not the same without you, please, please, please come home.” So that’s depressing. No more listening to lyrics for me. Michael Bublé, I would come home for you. – Love, Tim. 

(Edit: Since I wrote this article, I came across Darlene Love’s version, and as much of a Michael Bublé fan as I am, the Darlene Love version is better. Here it is.)

2) Santa Clause Is Coming To Town – Bruce Springsteen version

Santa Claus is a creep.

“You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.” That is the opening of a horror movie.

“He’s making a list. He’s checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. Santa Claus is coming to town.” HIDE UNDER YOUR BEDS AND DON’T COME OUT UNTIL JANUARY.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. You better be good for goodness sake.” Or Santa will eat your still-beating heart.

The song is really good though, so I trust him. 

1) All I Want For Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey

I’m not going to dignify any dissent by explaining.