The Top 23 Hard Seltzers, Ranked As We Drink Them

Hard seltzers are in right now, which means only one thing. I’ve gotta taste test as many as possible. Now, unlike the best cheap beers, I have no idea which hard seltzers are the best, so I erred on the side of caution and bought way too many. 23 to be exact. Well, technically it was more like 80 with all the variety packs, but my liver does have limits, which is also why I enlisted my friends Mike, Roxanne, Jarrett, and Dan to taste test with me. We tasted each one, ranked them on a scale of 0-5, and then I threw all that out the window to do my own subjective ranking. I did include each individual ranking so you can judge each of our tastes as harshly as you’d like, and each seltzer gets its own tagline from our very intellectual discussions. So, without further ado, here are the top 23 hard seltzers, ranked as we drink them.

One other note. There was a plain flavor of White Claw, which is an abomination and Shameless Pop will not be recognizing its existence.

 

 

DEAD LAST (#23) – Four Loko Black Cherry 12%

Tim: 0, Mike: -5, Jarrett: 1, Roxanne: -1, Average: -1.25

Tagline: “You knew what you were getting into.”

I asked everyone to rate this on a scale from 0-5. As you can see, everyone interpreted that scale differently. Jarrett gave it a point for having alcohol. But the point remains. This is straight garbage water. Its one redeeming aspect is that it’s 12% ABV so you can black out and forget you ever drank it. This is not a hard seltzer. It’s a Four Loko in a can that says hard seltzer. Still we have no one else to blame but ourselves, and by that I mean me, because I bought it. Drink this only if you’re in a Fast & Furious movie. 

“It smells so dirty. It smells like a dirty sock.” – Roxanne

“This is for someone who drinks diet Rockstar during the week and wants something with alcohol for the weekend.” – Mike

 

#22 – Pura Still Blackberry Still Water 4.5 %

Tim: 2, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 2 Average: 2.25

Tagline: “Tastes like a drink someone just left out for 12 hours.”

I randomly walked past this while gathering all the other hard seltzers and curiosity got the best of me. I knew it wouldn’t be good, but I had to try it. Maybe it would end up surprising us and be a refreshing drink you can have all night and wake up with no hangover! But of course, the reality is, you’d be better off relaxing with a nice wholesome glass of water, a good book on the couch, and never knowing this existed. 

“It didn’t hit me until I just drank this one, but this whole line is about making an alcoholic out of the people who hate drinking. I’ve been drinking this whole time, and have not had a single over-sweet soda taste, weird beer taste, alcohol burn, bloat, or anything, and I’m drunk. But still feeling good!” – Mike (we drank this one somewhere near the end, so, no Mike wasn’t drunk after just two hard seltzers, although we all very well could have been had we all drank a full Four Loko first)

 

#21 – Natty Light Catalina Lime Mixer 6% 

Tim: 3, Mike: 2, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 1, Dan: 1, Average: 1.8

Tagline: “You know what this tastes like. Like exactly what this tastes like? Cherry Alka Seltzer. Reminds me of having a cold.”

Kinda tastes like the black cherry, but somehow bitter? And definite cough syrup aftertaste. I also don’t know where the lime is supposed to be. It says when cherry and lime become best friends, but lime must be off fucking cherry’s girlfriend because it’s nowhere to be found, and they’re clearly not real best friends. 

“It’s not great!” – Jarrett

 

#20 – Bon and Viv Grapefruit 4.5% 

Tim: 2, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 3, Average: 2.5

Tagline: “For people who want plain, but want a little potpourri of grapefruit with it.”

There’s going to be a grapefruit debate later, but for right now, all you have to know is that even the people who LOVED the other grapefruit flavor did not like this one. Throw it in the trash.

 

#19 – Smirnoff Strawberry Rose 4.5% 

Tim: 3, Mike: 2, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 2, Average: 2.25

Tagline: “I don’t even know what this tastes like.”

I don’t know what the fuck “certified colors” is supposed to mean, but it’s the most interesting thing about this seltzer. We all tasted the strawberry, but have no idea where the Rose comes in, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because I’ve already written more than this one deserves.

“I took a sip and was like, a bunch of question marks!” – Jarrett

“Yeah, that was just like a boring strawberry.” – Mike

 

#18 – Truly Raspberry Lime 5% 

Tim: 2, Mike: 2, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 3, Dan: 4, Average: 2.8

Tagline: “Tastes like if you took the filling out of a Nutri-Grain bar and put it in a blender then added water.”

I mean, that tagline describes it pretty perfectly. It’s not a positive description.

“Capri Sun juice-box.” – Dan

 “Yeah!” – Roxanne

“And I’d drink that all day.” – Dan, whose taste I now heavily question.

Mike – “I didn’t taste a drop of lime in there.”

Someone described it as freeze dried raspberries, and I think that also holds.

 

#17 – Truly Wild Cherry 5%

Tim: 3, Mike: 2.5, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 4, Dan: 2, Average: 2.7

Tagline: “This kind of tastes like Trix milk, but if it were water.” 

The flavor on this one starts and then just kinda stops. It’s not TERRIBLE, but it also has no real reason to exist. 

“Not a fan.” – Dan

“Kinda tastes like a juice box…like a Juicy Juice.” – Roxanne

“This is the only one where I can actually taste the alcohol.” – Mike

 

#16 -Henry’s Strawberry Kiwi – 4.2% 

Tim: 3, Mike: 2.5, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 3, Dan: 4, Average: 2.9

Tagline: “It reminds me of elementary school.” 

It’s not bad. Tastes like it says. Like, yeah, that’s artificial strawberry kiwi flavoring alright. 

“Smells like somebody just poured sugar in here.” (it’s 0 sugar) – Jarrett

“Definite Capri Sun vibe.” – Roxanne.

 

#15 – Bon and Viv Cranberry 4.5%

Tim: 3, Mike: 4, Jarrett: 2, Dan: 3, Average: 3

Tagline: “Tastes like raspberry.”

I like it better than grapefruit. Got a little bit of a fuller cranberry taste whereas the grapefruit kinda disappears. But I do get the advantage of the non-sweetness. Too much of the sweet ones in a row feels too cloying even though there’s no real sugar to it. I feel like I could drink 8 of these at a time. But if I’m drinking 1, I’d prefer something with a little more flavor.

“I like if for the same reason I like the grapefruit. It’s a got a bitter counterpart to it.” – Mike

“Same. I can’t drink a ton of sweet stuff at once.” – Jarrett

 

#14 – Natty Light Aloha Beaches 6%

Tim: 3, Mike: 1.5, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 4, Dan: 2, Average: 2.7

Tagline: “This tastes like sunscreen.”

It really does taste like sunscreen. And not like, just how sunscreen smells. Most of the hard seltzers have a clean aftertaste, but this really does have a greasy, sunscreen aftertaste to it. I rate it weird, but decently tasty. And as an added bonus, our internal organs are now better protected from skin cancer. 

(Reading the label) “When mango and peach go beach mode. They missed that mark.” – Dan

 

#13 – Truly Black Cherry 5%

Tim: 4, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 2, Dan: 4, Average: 3.2

Tagline: “This tastes like…did you ever have ring pops as a kid?…This tastes like a ring pop. (5 minutes later) A red ring pop.” 

It does taste like a red ring pop. Which is definitely not black cherry. I do kind of like it though.

“How messed up are ring pops? Sucking on it until the goopy corn syrup drips over your finger.” – Mike

 

#12 – Bon and Viv Clementine Hibiscus 4.5%

Tim: 3, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 2, Dan: 0, Average: 2

Tagline: “Now this tastes like…something.”

I probably moved this one way too far up, but I have to say, this one really grew on me. I don’t know how or why. It smells like a watered-down version of that canned Minute Maid Orange Juice, which is…not good, but all I know is that I kinda wanna drink another one.

“It tastes like a shitty candy I had when I was young.” – Dan

“Yikes. This tastes bad.” – Jarrett, then, minutes later, “This is kinda growing on me, even though it reminds me of  Motel 6 orange juice.” 

“You talking about the Motel 6 orange juice reminds me of my favorite continental breakfast. I stayed at a place near Mount Rushmore for $29 a night. It was a loaf of Wonder Bread and Skippy. That was it.” – Mike

 

#11 – White Claw Mango 5%

Tim: 3, Mike: 3.5, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 4, Dan: 2, Average: 3.1

Tagline: “Actually smells like mango.”

This smells so much better than it tastes. It smells like it’s going to be this great, full flavor, but then it’s just kinda flat. It’s like a hallucination of flavor.

“Tastes like a gummy bear.” – Dan

 

#10 -White Claw Grapefruit 5%

Tim: 3, Mike: 5, Jarrett: 4, Roxanne: 5, Average: 4.25

Tagline: “Yeah, tastes like watered-down grapefruit.”

The grapefruits proved an existential question of what you want in your seltzers. Do you want something flavorful and (seemingly) super sugary? Or do you want something with more of a subtle (flavorless) taste? Grapefruit is a lot of people’s favorites, including people I’ve talked to outside of this taste test, and it’s also a lot of people’s least favorite flavor. I don’t hate it, but I don’t really like it either, so even though it’s got a high average score, Shameless Pop is a (benevolent) dictatorship, and I’m moving it down the list.

“Big fan of these, doesn’t have the gross sugary taste of shitty beers.” – Mike

 

#9 – White Claw Raspberry 5% 

Tim: 4, Mike: 2, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 3, Dan: 4, Average: 3

Tagline: “Tastes like the water you drain from a box of raspberries.”

I thought this was a solid, tasty flavor, but Mike and Jarrett thought it was too sweet. They preferred the more subtle flavors.

“Tastes like my breakfast every morning. My berry bowls. Tastes like the raspberry bag. Wow. This is good.” – Dan

“It’s okay.” – Roxanne

 

#8 – White Claw Black Cherry 5%

Tim: 4, Mike: 2, Jarrett: 2, Roxanne: 3, Dan: 5, Average: 3.2

Tagline: “Tastes like a freezepop. I can suck on it all day.”

This tagline came from Dan, and it came out completely naturally. He was very excited about this one. Me, I thought it was fairly decent and pretty much the same as raspberry, but with a little more flavor to it. It tastes a little like Walmart brand Robutussin, but in a good way. It has a lot of decent artificial flavor.

“Tastes like a super watered-down cherry bomb. Or like the aftertaste of a cherry bomb.” – Jarrett? Mike? I don’t remember. We had a lot of hard seltzers, and I think I stole one of their quotes for my write-up. But it’s okay because this is a team write-up that I get all the credit for.

 

#7 – Truly Blueberry & Acai 5%

Tim: 4, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 5, Dan: 4, Average: 3.8

Tagline: “It’s the blueberry in the bunch that has no flavor and is a total dud.”

Tagline notwithstanding, I do kinda like it, but I think I only rated it this high because I’ve had most of the other hard seltzer flavors before, and the blueberry is NEW and SHINY and therefore SEXY. Whatever, this isn’t science.

“Oh. This isn’t what I thought. Henry’s blueberry is better than this. I don’t know what this is.” – Dan

“I like it. I think it’s my favorite.” Roxanne

“I like it the same way I like…water.” Mike

 

#6 – Smirnoff Pina Colada 4.5% 

Tim: 4, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 3.5, Dan: 5, Average: 3.7

Tagline: “It’s pretty healthy I think.” 

While certainly not healthy by any means, this does smell good. And it tastes exactly like coconut water (hence the tagline), but also kinda like sunscreen. But in a good way! More coconut than sunscreen mouthfeel. 

“Oooohhhh ooohhhhh, this is Malibu!” – Dan, then points at me, “This is so good.”

“It smells good!”  – Roxanne, then “It’s okay. Eh, I do like it.”

“Yeah, I’d buy this.” – Dan

“I’m feeling kinda hungover cause it’s making me think of drinking Bacardi rum, so that’s a negative.” – Jarrett

 

#5 – Henry’s Lemon Lime 4.2%

Tim: 4, Mike: 4, Jarrett: 4, Roxanne: 3, Dan: 3, Average: 3.6

Tagline: “After all that trash talk, I think this might be one of my favorites.”  

First, SPOILER ALERT. I ranked White Claw’s lime higher than this, but I still liked it overall. It just felt like a lighter flavored version of lime. Before we drank this one, Roxanne was talking trash about the general flavor of lemon-lime. So I’ll let her, Mike, and Jarrett take this one away.

“After all that trash talk, I think this might be one of my favorites.”  – Mike

“Yeah, this is really good.” – Jarrett

“You know how I feel about lemon-lime.” – Roxanne

“What?” – Mike

“Don’t you know me at all?!” – Roxanne takes a sip, “Okay I like it”

 

#4 – Bon and Viv Pear Elderflower 4.5% 

Tim: 5, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 3, Dan: 5, Average: 4

Tagline: “This is a Jolly Rancher. Sour Apple Jolly Rancher” 

It really does taste like a Sour Apple Jolly Rancher, even though it’s pear. It smells better than it tastes, but it’s still pretty solid. Pretty classy flavors from Bon and Viv. Which makes sense from a company called “Bon and Viv.” I picture them as two retired San Francisco socialites who spend all their time on a vineyard of hard seltzers. They’re mid-50’s and absolutely insufferable, but goddamn do they know hard seltzers. 

“Sour Apple Jolly Rancher.” – Dan, immediately after first sip.

“This is a Green Apple Jolly Rancher.” – Jarrett, after first smell.

“Yup” – Mike

“I wanna drink an entire one of these.” – Dan

“This has been an eye opening experience for me. I’ve never had any hard seltzers, and I could crush any of these.” – Mike

“Feels like you’re drinking something way sweeter than you are. Not sure I could drink like 4 of these at a time.” – Jarrett

 

#3 – White Claw Natural Lime 5% 

Tim: 5, Mike: 3, Jarrett: 3, Dan: 4, Average: 3.75

Tagline: “Like a lime popsicle.”

I might be a little biased, but this was one of the first hard seltzers I ever had, and I really like it. I’m not a huge fan of regular seltzers, but this one took me back to eating popsicles as a kid, except now it has alcohol! Therefore I rate it highly. 

“Takes me back to summer.” – Dan

“Is this blueberry?” – Jarrett, I’m sorry I have no more context for this, but Jarrett’s taste buds might just be a little off.

“Tastes just like sparkling water.” – Mike

 

#2 – Smirnoff Berry Lemonade 4.5% 

Tim: 5, Mike: 2.5, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 4, Average: 3.625

Tagline: “Tastes like those bomb pops with lemon lime, blue raspberry, and…red.” 

Jarrett and Mike agree these are good, but could only have one of them because it was too much flavor. Mike could picture himself drinking 12 of the grapefruit seltzers at the pool, but only 1 of these. However, I really like this one because I don’t picture myself drinking 12 alcoholic seltzers unless I’m doing a taste test or it’s Saturday. So, if I’m drinking just one, this goes to the top. Plus, it really does taste like one of those bomb pops, which, per the website, is described as “Flavor roll call: Cherry? Here. Lime? Yup. Blue raspberry? Aww yeah. It’s the Original, need we say more?” Which is basically what Roxanne said for the tagline.

 

#1 Henry’s Blueberry Lemon 4.2%

Tim: 5, Mike: 4, Jarrett: 3, Roxanne: 5, Dan: 5, Average: 4.4

Tagline: “Fresh-baked seltzer water.”

This one was my personal favorite, and it actually came in with the highest average score. See, democracy works! It didn’t smell great, but it redeemed itself many times over with the taste. Roxanne said it tasted like a lemon blueberry muffin, but kinda fake (in the best way). And I agree. If you’re only gonna have one hard seltzer, drink Henry’s Blueberry Lemon. If you’re gonna have 12, drink anything but the Four Loko.

“None of these feel like I’m drinking alcohol.” – Mike

 

EPILOGUE AKA THE HANGOVER

So, the one thing I was wondering while doing this was, would my hangover be any better because I was drinking water all night? The answer is no, not really. On average, I think I felt slightly better the next morning, and most everyone else had the same response, except for Mike. I’ll let him get the last word.

“Man, you know what those did, which is a first for drinking for me? I had a teeth-ache for like 3 days. Like all my molars ached. It’s like all the carbonation ate my enamel or something. It wasn’t all that bad. I mean, it was. I was dead for one whole day, but one thing I didn’t get, which was interesting, was cotton mouth. I didn’t wake up dying of thirst.”

So, there you go. Alcohol remains bad for you, and there’s no such thing as a hangover cure. BUT, if you must drink 23 hard seltzers in a night, I hope I’ve provided you an acceptable guideline.

Contact me at shamelesspopdotcom@gmail.com to complain, send hate mail, compliment me, just talk, send more hate mail, etc.