McDonald’s Secret Menu: The Land, Sea, and Air Burger

McDonald’s used to stand for something. Fast, delicious food, free from the tyranny of having to make it yourself. We looked our oppressive kitchens in the eye and said, “No, there’s a better way.” It provided us food freedom, and it was revolutionary. For years it was the standard-bearer, but somewhere along the way, it had a fall from grace. We indulged too much and got fat and lazy. It was our fault, but we blamed McDonald’s. We turned our backs on them and turned to the sexier artisanal shops with their “fresh” and “better” ways of doing things. We forgot the simple pleasures, the comfort and familiarity of an old friend. 

I admit, even I wasn’t immune. But today, that changes. I’m going back to remember what it was that made it so special. The fries? No, we all know their fries are still good. I’m talking about the full McDonald’s experience, and lucky for me, the internet already came up with the perfect idea. The Land, Sea, and Air Burger, combining a Big Mac, McChicken, and Filet O’ Fish. It’s the essence of McDonald’s in one concentrated sandwich. And no, chickens can’t really fly, but you can grab one and throw it into the air, and technically that means it flies. Don’t think about this too hard.  I consulted my doctor to see if it was a good idea. He said it was a great idea.

I lied to you. I don’t have a doctor. But this was a good idea, and no doctor could tell me otherwise. So I drove to my nearest McDonald’s to fulfill my destiny.

This photo was a lot cooler a split second earlier when you could actually see the McDonald’s sign with the sun shining above it like God himself was giving me his blessing. But I missed my chance and then people were honking at me and life is full of missed opportunities so we’re all gonna just have to accept it.

I immediately faced an existential crisis. I don’t love pickles and onions. In the right situation, sure. But not on a Big Mac. So do I leave them in and enjoy my sandwich less? Or if I take them out, am I truly getting the full experience of the Land, Sea, and Air Burger? Or is it a moot point because different people have different tastes and the main point is having the freedom to have it your way? I think McDonald’s would’ve wanted me to have it my way, so I said no to the pickles and onions, and proceeded with my order.

Damn, next time I’ll just get 6 McChickens.

I drove home with the understanding that I had completely undermined my workouts for the last week, and probably month, but focused on the positives. I had friends and family. Who would be very disappointed in me but not able to stop me. Nice. 

I opened the sandwiches and constructed the monstrosity.

Then I took a picture outside because my roommate told me our porch had good lighting.

He was right. That lighting is fantastic. I sat down and ate it.

It’s a beautiful sandwich. Not because it tastes good. But because it tastes like McDonald’s. Sure, it’s unbalanced. There’s a little too much fish dominating the sandwich, and it could use a little more of the burger, chicken, special sauce, cheese, and lettuce elements, but you know what? It still works. We can make it better, but the structure for a great sandwich is all there. There’s something for everyone, even if you’re a vegetarian. It’s got a bun, cheese, some lettuce, and various mayo based sauces, including mayo! By god, that’s a salad.

When you bring so many flavors and elements together, it’s not easy for them to mesh. But here we are, with a sandwich that does bring them together under a single poppy-seed bun. It’s not perfect, but it does have a lot of good elements and an unmistakable taste, even if that taste doesn’t inspire us as much as it used to. It’s McDonald’s. It needs work, but it’s still pretty good. 

The Land, Sea, and Air Burger: 50 Stars.

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