Coming Soon: “A Lifetime Movie Marathon To Remember: 4 Movies, A “Bottle” Of Wine, and A Deadly Adoption.”
I sat down and had myself a Lifetime movie marathon with the help of a “bottle” of wine (jug of Carlo Rossi) and the Pizza Hut Pretzel Dog Bites Pizza. Here is a sampling of quotes until it’s done.
From “Perfect High”
“So they call a drug dealer who walks up within 8 seconds. That’s a good drug dealer. She goes to practice and dances well. Yet another win for drugs.”
“Carson gets into Florida State, along with everyone else in the world that applied. Still, he’s pumped. Then they have sex because Amanda’s pretty pumped he got into Florida State too.”
“Oooooooooooooooooooh. Mom tells her to sit in the living room because they need to talk. They must have found her illegal drugs.”
“So, it turns out they’ve been snorting heroin. One guy texted their drug dealer and he was just like, ha, gotcha!”
“Good news is that Amanda and Carson are doing well. They go get coffee. That’s sweet. Do more drugs. Uh-oh, looks like Amanda OD’d. Nope, she says she’s fine. Druggie friend however. She definitely OD’d.”
From “I Killed My BFF”
“The movie starts out ominously with dreary music, a farm, and an old guy that finds a dead woman in some mud. I KILLED MY BFF comes up on screen. I like this movie.”
“Don’t kill each other! You’re such good friends.”
“Heather says Shane is her best friend and NOTHING COULD EVER GET IN THE WAY OF THAT. EXCEPT MURDER MAYBE?”
“Shane’s loan was not approved. SHE’S GONNA BE THE MURDERER.”
“The cops show up at Shane’s door to ask about the robbery. Alex drunkenly goes home…to knock on Heather’s door. I bet they have sex. Heather is the WORST friend.”
“Heather and Alex go on a trip together. A ROMANTIC TRIP? They go out into the woods. MAYBE HE IS THE MURDERER.”
From “Deadly Revenge”
“The movie starts out with a voiceover, ‘I’m just a girl that fell in love.'”
“She finds a picture of a beautiful woman, who is actually his mother. Which is weird.”
“Uh oh. The guy tries to throw a chair through the door, but he’s not strong enough. Red flag.”
“This is the universe saying, maybe you shouldn’t leave LA” “My mom just always said, everything happens for a reason.” “My mom died when I was 10.” They’re going to have sex.”
“Then they get engaged, maybe?”
“She looks down at a pregnancy test. JUDGING BY THE MUSIC SHE’S PREGNANT. PROBABLY WITH SATAN.”
“Kate decides to go back to the house. DON’T GO TO THE HOUSE.”
“Ugh, how is there 20 minutes left in this movie?”
From “A Deadly Adoption”
Wine Level
[Note: Look at the wine level above. I’m leaving this mostly as is. It will make no sense But it will be fantastic.]
“Kristen Wiig, whose name I don’t know yet, calls out to her husband (Will Frrelll), and then breaks a dock and falls into the water.”
“WF and KW give their daughter a bike. Daughter Is super pumped. I BET THE BIKE KILLS HER.”
“They have a talk. And she knows an old fashioned secret about stress. SEX.”
“A hot woman comes in. I bet she’s the DEADLY ADOPTER.”
“WF and KW talking everhthing fine. Drama. They have to talk. WF walks away. SOMEONE”S GONNA DIE.